The original version of this essay was written nearly ten years ago after the wedding of my older son. After rereading, I find it still fitting following my younger son’s nuptials in June. While some updating was necessary, the underlying message remains unchanged.
Becoming a Mother-By-Love…Again
Two months ago, I joined ranks, once again, with one of the most maligned groups in the civilized world. Members of this sorority are stereotypically described as conniving, undermining, competitive, superficial shrews. Historically, they have been the butt of jokes, fodder for stand-up comedians, and a staple of classic sitcoms. Perhaps the only other familial role depicted as equally villainous is that of stepmother. Yet in spite of all the unpopular press associated with this group, I could not wait to rejoin!
There are no prescribed qualifications for membership. During the initiation ceremony, I was not even required to make a pledge. However, my son was asked to take a series of vows. That’s right! You guessed it. There was a wedding! On the first Sunday in June, I officially became a mother-in-law…again.
The first order of business is to make an adjustment to this antiquated moniker. Mother-in-law smacks of an obsolete patriarchal system that identified everything in terms of its relationship to property. The property, in this case being the bride, was transferred from ownership by the father to the husband, so that the husband could track, with confidence, the distribution of his wealth to his legal heirs. Well hooey on that!
For eight years, I have witnessed my son and his, now, wife creating a vibrant relationship that is extraordinary to behold. Law had absolutely nothing to do with it. Their devotion to each other and their future together has been inspired, motivated, guided, and enhanced by love. It is through love, with love, and by love that her presence has been added to our lives. And so, that is how I plan to refer to myself, as her mother-by-love.
The next order of business is to avoid perpetuating the mother-in-law stereotype. Fortunately, my own mother-by-love provided an exceptional role model for conducting myself in this added facet of my parental identity. From the very beginning, she welcomed my involvement in her son’s life. Over the years we became friends and confidantes. We walked miles and talked for hours. We recommended and discussed books with each other. We traded recipes, shared parenting strategies, traveled and vacationed together. We debated politics and religion. We elected to agree to disagree since keeping our relationship intact was more important than asserting our point of view. We helped each other find humor in the most trying of circumstances. We consoled one another when no humor could be found. In her, I discovered what Anne Shirley called “a kindred spirit.” When she passed away four years ago, it was like losing another mother.
Underlying the success of our nearly forty-year association was mutual respect, genuine affection, and a shared conviction that when it comes to love, there is always room for more. My love for her son did not diminish, nor was it intended to replace her love as his mother. Her love for my husband did not threaten, nor was it intended to usurp my love as his wife. My husband’s love for his mother was not a sign of disloyalty to me, nor was his loving me being disloyal to her. It is because of her love that he is capable of loving me and accepting my love in return. Each of us benefitted from the love abiding between the other two.
Love does not exist in limited quantities to be doled out incrementally. Love is a quality of character we learn to demonstrate toward others because of the way we have experienced it ourselves. The quality of love is not strained by the presence of additional people in our lives. Love deepens and expands to embrace all those who seek it. Love begets love. Each of us is better for the love we have known from each other.
There is tremendous pressure to raise our children to be successful. And when people say successful, it is primarily measured in financial terms. Well, statistically speaking, of all the things our children could become, they are most likely to become spouses. After twenty-six years of parenting our son – meeting his basic needs, surrounding him with people who loved him, providing him with opportunities to explore and develop all of his abilities and talents, encouraging him to always do his best, guiding him through making decisions, coaching him in creating and nurturing relationships with others – and eight years of observing his courtship, engagement, marriage preparations, and wedding, I have come to the conclusion that this is the role we were preparing him for. There is nothing like having your son whisper in your ear, during the mother-son dance at his wedding reception, “It’s just beginning to sink in. This is so much more than I even imagined. Thank you for all the ways you helped make it all possible. I’m so happy. I’m ready for this.” And when he presents you with a young woman whom you are honored to call your daughter-by-love, you know you must have done something good.
