The anticipation of launching a new website prompted me to wax nostalgic. Retracing my original foray, into what was at the time a revolutionary new frontier called the internet, was amusing and enlightening. One evening twenty-eight years ago, Jerry and I, our two-year-old son in tow, were walking through what was then a newly established neighborhood. The freshly paved streets were lined with houses in various stages of completion. We happened to be discussing plans for seeking S-corporation status for my therapy practice and coming up with a name. Serendipitously, we noted the similarities between building houses and building families. We started brainstorming names that would cleverly convey the metaphor. And so, my small business became Families Under Construction.
The company logo was designed by a graphic artist friend using human figures to create the outline of a house. Jerry animated the figures so they actually became the house on the homepage of a Families Under Construction website, my first online presence. In keeping with the construction theme, I wrote a monthly column, The Parents’ Tool Box, for a local publication, Lexington Family Magazine. Rereading the introductory article, it struck me that the content is still relevant.
“Building a family is comparable to building a house. Like houses, families come in a variety of sizes, colors, and styles. Houses are built according to an architect’s precisely drawn plans. Similarly, each of us possesses a blueprint for what we believe a family should look like. Unlike builders of a house, who all follow the same set of instructions, families are created by individuals whose blueprints are rarely the same and never identical.
Constructing a solid house requires selecting sturdy materials – wood, brick, steel, and concrete. Assembling a sound family calls for choosing durable building blocks – knowledge, empathy, commitment, patience, maturity, affection, encouragement, discipline, and effective communication. The mortar holding them all together being LOVE.
The first step in building a house is laying the foundation. A solid foundation depends not only on the soundness of the materials used, but also the strength of the connections between them. Weakness in any single element or connection threatens the integrity of the entire structure. The same is true for families. The foundation of a family depends not only on the soundness of the individual members, but on the strength of the relationships between them. Discontent in a single member or discord in any relationship threatens the stability of the entire system.
Altering house plans during construction is not uncommon. Even the best laid plans sometimes require adjustments. Family blueprints can be faulty due to imperfections introduced by previous generations of architects. However unintentional these imperfections may be, the magnitude of the ramifications can range from mild to severe. The challenge is to identify the flaws in the blueprints and make modifications that allow constructing families capable of withstanding the elements of time and change.
No matter how conscientiously a house or family is constructed, they both require regular maintenance and occasional repair. Neither should be without a tool box. The more complete the set of tools, the more likely the one for the job will be handy when needed. A family tool box calls for tools specific to its members and their relationships. The tasks they face demand unique solutions, not unlike screws with different heads. The same screwdriver can’t handle them all. The ability to create distinctly crafted tools, designed to meet the changing needs of a family’s members, is key when building families to last.”
These words, written nearly thirty years ago, still ring true. Drawing a parallel between houses and families is easy, even humorous. “Home Improvement,” the popular ‘90s TV sitcom, managed to get eight seasons worth of entertaining material out of it. The similarities lend themselves to seemingly endless possibilities. But closer examination reveals some rather startling contrasts, namely in the areas of preparation and restoration.
Most people would scoff at the notion of hiring an untrained, inexperienced architect to design a house. Credentials, references, and recommendations are obvious prerequisites. Not so when it comes to families. To expect anything beyond limited personal experience, what can only be described as informal preparation, before engaging in the production of a family would be considered equally, if not even more absurd. Not only is preparation not required, it’s not deemed necessary. Even though the responsibilities are comprehensive, the implications grave – the qualifications are negligible. The only positions for which it is perfectly acceptable to have absolutely no idea of what you’re doing are those in the family.
Likewise, when things break down in a house, owners don’t hesitate to ask for help. Flooded basement, call a plumber. Faulty wiring, call an electrician. Leaky roof, call a roofer. No reason to feel embarrassed. Restoring things to working order is what a responsible homeowner does. But when things fail to work in a family, requesting outside assistance, if considered at all, is a last resort. Seeking help is a sign of weakness, incompetence, and worst of all, disloyalty. Rather than seek counsel when issues are merely irritating, they are ignored until they escalate into a full-blown crisis. Regrettably, denying problems exist does not make them magically disappear. But, of course, when people have been told they “will just know what to do, trust their instincts,” it makes perfectly good sense to follow that advice with, “By the way, when it doesn’t go well, don’t ask for help.”😳
Borrowing from the past for this inaugural post is testament to the paradoxical nature of the family. No matter how much time passes, no matter how much families differ, no matter how much they change, the essential elements stay the same. Basically, the family is designed to ensure the survival of its members. While survival is certainly desirable, thriving is surely a worthwhile goal.
There is no single blueprint for accomplishing this. But, one thing is for sure. We can only do what we know. While it’s impossible to know everything, it’s always possible to know more. The more we know, the more we can do. Building families where each member is sustained in their efforts to make the most of the best of themselves requires the courage to learn from the past, live in the present, and prepare for the future. What’s old can be new again.
