(Here is the final section, Part 6 of Chapter 2 from What Did I Tell You?)

Anyone claiming to be qualified to teach because they were once a student would be considered absurd.  Anyone claiming to be qualified to be a doctor because they had been a patient would be regarded as preposterous.  Anyone claiming to be qualified to build a house because they had lived in one would be a laughingstock.  Yet we don’t think twice about considering people qualified to become parents when their only qualification is that they were once children.  Well, that and they managed to reproduce.

In spite of what we already know and continue to discover about the complex, interconnected, multidimensional nature of human development across the lifespan, we continue to regard parenting as something that will just happen naturally.  We insist on perpetuating the completely unfounded notion that the instant people become parents, they will just know what to do.  Clinging to the archaic belief that parenting is governed by instinct, we tell new parents to just follow their gut.   Realistically, it’s highly unlikely that someone will know in their gut what to do about something for which they have had little to no previous experience.  Never mind the fact that none of what informs good decisions, like information, knowledge, and experience, is stored in the gut.

Every generation of parents, from prehistoric humans to modern ones, have faced  challenges, some predictable, others unforeseen.  Right up until the last century, parents were primarily in survival mode, fortunate if their children made it to adulthood and lucky themselves if they lived to see it.  However, life expectancy has more than doubled since 1900.  We have moved well beyond the struggle to survive to the potential to thrive.  But potential requires action to be realized.  And effective action requires a foundation of knowledge.

There is an abundance of well documented, cutting edge information available concerning every aspect of human development from fetus to infant, toddler to teen, adult to elderly, and more is being discovered all the time.  We know there is greater plasticity of the brain throughout the lifespan than was ever suspected.  We are recognizing the link between gut health and overall health beginning in infancy.  The importance of making and maintaining a lifelong connection with nature is finally being given the attention it deserves.  The power of healthy human relationships to improve quality of life, resilience, and longevity has been demonstrated time and again for every age.  For most of us, all of these findings, as well as basic timelines for developmental milestones, are at our fingertips.

The depth and breadth of general developmental information that can be adapted and applied to specific parenting situations is staggering.  We have identified, with a high degree of confidence, the parental practices that enhance potential as well as those that undermine it.  And yet, we view exposure to even rudimentary knowledge of child development and parenting skills as optional.  We are convinced that everyone needs to know how to solve a quadratic equation, but not how to recognize and meet the developmental needs of children.  The average person will never use the quadratic equation in their daily lives beyond high school.  Statistically speaking, our children are more likely to become parents than any given profession, yet even minimal preparation for that role is not required.

In most areas of our lives we are encouraged to do our best while seeking continuous improvement, except when it comes to parenting.  Where parenting is concerned, it is acceptable to just do what we can.  Declaring that ‘if it was good enough for me, it’s good enough for them’ may be meant to sound tough and convey confidence when in reality, it is an ineffectual attitude often born of ignorance, inexperience, and fear of failure and/or change.  Now I am not suggesting we institute a license for parenting.  I am, however, an advocate for adopting a more proactive approach, both formal and informal, to preparing and training for parenthood.

Unlike any other job we perform, parenting lasts a lifetime.  Ironically, as the most profound responsibility we will ever have, it is the only one for which we believe no preparation or training is necessary.  Joan Ryan in her book The Water Giver wrote, “It’s one thing to be dedicated to the idea of parenthood and quite another to be dedicated to the practice of it.”  While being completely prepared may be an unrealistic expectation, assuming we will instinctively know what to do is equally erroneous.

Since we learn how to parent we are limited to do what we know.  But it is possible to know more and subsequently do more.  Maya Angelou challenged us to, “Do the best you can until you know better.  Then when you know better, do better.”  For no other role is that mandate more imperative than parenting.  Although we didn’t get to choose our parents, we absolutely do get to choose the parents we become.  As we aspire to continue becoming better parents for our children, keep in mind, at the same time, intentionally or unintentionally, we are preparing the next generation of parents.  Our children need us to conscientiously commit to continuous improvement.

What I Meant to Tell You

There are unique qualities characterizing the parent-child relationship that distinguish it from any other in the family system.

Regardless of who raises us, there is a powerful connection to our biological parents.

Knowing who we came from is a major part of knowing who we are.

There is no such thing as an irrelevant parent.

We need our parents to want us, accept us, and love us unconditionally.

No parent is perfect, but their faults, mistakes, and failures are not of our making.

Knowing who our parents are is not the same thing as knowing our parents.

Parents were once children.  Only a fraction of their history includes us.

Making different choices from our parents is not necessarily an act of rebellion or disloyalty, but a part of achieving individuation.

Forgiving our parents for not always being the ones we needed is a gift we give to them as well as to ourselves.

No two of us have the same parents.

Each parent-child relationship is unique, requiring adjustments to parenting styles and practices.

The parent-child relationship provides the foundation for every other relationship we ever have, including the one we have with ourselves.

Effective parenting requires an unparalleled level of unselfishness.

Denying the preeminence of the parent-child bond doesn’t make it any less true.

We can choose whether or not to become a parent, but we can’t choose whether or not to parent if we choose to have children.

Since parents are the most important people in the world to their children, children need be the most important people in the world to their parents.

The arrival of a child changes everything.

Parents are the original mirrors through which we see ourselves.  Seeing a desirable reflection is crucial.

Our parents are the original authors of our origin story.

Our origin stories impart a sense of our place in the family as well as the world and introduce us to ourselves.

Names establish connections and are vital to the development of a sense of self.

The origin story our parents compose and give to us plays a critical role in determining what we believe we can and cannot do, who we can and cannot become.

When we accept authorship of our story, as primary authors we have the power to choose whether or not to live according to the origin story written for us.  We get to create the character we become.  Only we can change the narrative.

All parents who accept the responsibility for meeting all the developmental needs of their children are working parents.

Parenting is one of the few jobs where the better we prove to be at it, the less necessary we become.

Parents may not want to be needed by their adult children, but it sure is gratifying to be wanted.

Parenting is the only job that lasts a lifetime.  Since we learn how to parent we are limited to do what we know.  But it is possible to know more and subsequently do more.  When we know better, we can do better.  Our children need our commitment to continuous improvement.