(Part 5 of Chapter 2 from What Did I Tell You?)

According to the 1977 edition of the New Collegiate Dictionary (a high school graduation gift from my parents), the definition of work takes up nearly an entire column of a two-column page.  In a nutshell, work is defined as activity involving mental or physical effort done in order to achieve a purpose or result, but there are 83 additional lines of text describing every aspect of the word.  On the other hand, there are merely five lines of text in the definition of parent, basically one who produces offspring.  Although the word parent can function as two parts of speech, a noun or a verb, it is only referenced in its use as a noun.  Perhaps a more updated version of the dictionary would include both, but I think this is a fairly accurate reflection of our cultural attitudes toward these two words.

While perusing the plethora of definitions listed for the word work, I was struck by how many of them were also applicable to the word parent when used as a verb. For instance, “activity in which one exerts strength or faculties to do or perform something; sustained physical or mental effort to overcome obstacles and achieve an objective or result; a specific task, duty, function, or assignment often being a part or phase of some larger activity; energy expended by natural phenomenon; something produced by the exercise of creative talent or expenditure of creative effort.”  All of these accurately describe what parenting entails.  The obvious exception being “labor, task, or duty that affords one their accustomed means of livelihood.”  

In the absence of any financial benefit, parenting has never been deemed worthy of the auspicious designation of work.  Only when lumped into the category of “housework” or “women’s work” does it warrant inclusion, and even then with derision.  The fact that parenting has historically been relegated to women has certainly contributed to the diminishing of its perceived status.  

How many times have I heard that worn out expression, “She’s never worked a day in her life,” used to describe someone who has devoted themselves to raising their children and making a home?  It’s curious that all the work that females have traditionally performed has no monetary value until someone else does it, namely males, who then get paid for it and at a higher rate than any female doing the same work.  Take for example chefs, tailors, janitors, chauffeurs, managers, designers, etc. Give the job a masculine title and suddenly it becomes worthy of payment.  But once again, I digress.  

Suffice it to say that any parent who accepts responsibility for the care of a child’s physical, psychological, emotional, cognitive, social, and moral growth and development, in short, their upbringing, is a working parent, regardless of their gender or employment status.  We do ourselves and our children a tremendous disservice by arbitrarily dividing ourselves into camps – the working parent versus the non-working parent or the working parent versus the stay-at-home parent.  Work is work whether it’s paid for or not and regardless of where it takes place.  If there must be a distinction, perhaps we could refer to the jobs we perform as family work and non-family work.   

Parenting differs from most types of non-family work in other ways as well.  For instance, there is a limit to the number of hours a person can be employed.  However, there is no such thing as part-time parenting.  There may be full-time parenting on a part-time schedule, but parenting is a 24/7 occupation.  Also, whereas most employment requires a specific skill set, parenting demands a multitude of skills that oftentimes must be carried out simultaneously.  Additionally, the requirements of the job are constantly changing because the focus of the job, namely a child, is constantly changing.  Just when parents feel like they are getting their bearings and gaining confidence in their abilities, the child enters another developmental stage or achieves another milestone.  Add more children of different ages and the complexities, as well as the work associated with their care  increases exponentially.  And don’t forget, when the nature and demands of non-family work change, training is provided.  Not so with parenting.

While performance expectations, goals, and success markers for non-family work can be objectively described, outlined, and measured, the same cannot be said for parenting.  The sheer number of variables and outside sources of influence make predicting child outcomes precarious at best.  Although there are decidedly preferred practices based on a profound bond and unconditional love bolstered by accurate information, relevant experience, and intentional action, there are no guarantees when it comes to parenting. However, no other type of work guarantees that we will make a difference to the future like the job we do as parents.  

Unlike non-family work where as employees become more competent they are asked to do more, parents are expected to do less as children become more self reliant.  In their efforts to be effective, parents are challenged to acknowledge and respect their children’s growth and maturity, gracefully accepting dwindling involvement.  Whereas employees who take on additional responsibilities and demonstrate performance excellence receive increased pay and benefits, there is no money in parenting, so forget raises, bonuses, or promotions for a job well done.  

There is nothing simple or easy about parenting and the rewards are utterly intangible. I read a quote once suggesting that a parent’s goal is to teach their children not to need them anymore and the hardest part is achieving success.  From the moment parenthood is entered, the mandate is to nurture and cherish, shelter and protect, teach and guide, encourage and support in a lifelong succession of letting go.  Parenting is one of the few jobs where the better one proves to be at it, the less necessary one becomes.  

While the extent to which parents are actively, directly involved decreases, their impact and influence does not disappear.  In fact, the manner and degree of inclusion in our lives we afford our parents when we reach adulthood, depends heavily on the job they did during our formative years.  That puts us in the position to decide whether or not unnecessary translates into unwanted.  In turn, when our children reach adulthood we are at the mercy of their decision.  Although becoming unnecessary may be a relief to some, for me being wanted is wholly satisfying and fulfilling.