(Here is the second section of Chapter 2 of What Did I Tell You?)
A baffling aspect of parents is that no two of us have the same ones. I know. I know. That’s impossible. Obviously biological siblings have the same parents genetically. However, as human beings, parents age and change over time. No parent stays the same, just as no child stays the same, and no two children are exactly alike, ergo no two of us have the same parents, even in the same family.
The first inkling that no two of us have the same parents emerged in adolescence and early adulthood when reminiscing with one or the other of my two sisters. While exchanging recollections, as siblings are wont to do, I would listen in disbelief to their accounts of experiences we’d shared. Their version of events was not the same as I remembered. Their impressions of our parents did not describe the mother and father I knew. Certainly there were similarities, but there were stark differences as well. Although we had grown up in the same household, we had not had exactly the same parents.
This notion gained potency during the years of studying child development and family relations. Taking into account the interplay between temperaments, experiences, styles, and circumstances of parents and children over time, made the claim that no two of us have the same parents seem even more plausible. Family members in therapy provided further evidence when their individual descriptions of relationships, reports of events, and explanations of the problem simply didn’t jibe with one another. But the real clincher occurred when our younger son came along ten years after his brother.
Having been warned that giving birth after a decade would likely be more challenging than the first time, I was prepared for a long, hard labor and delivery. After my water broke at 3am on that first morning of spring, I was shocked when, upon reaching the hospital, they hastily took me directly to a delivery room where, after pushing only twice, our son lustily announced his arrival at 5:21am. From the moment of his admittance into our lives, it was clear this son was not going to be exactly the same as our older son. While they may have been nearly identical in birth weight and size, share some physical features, and have numerous common interests and talents, their unique attributes necessitated versatility on my part as a parent.
My younger son never complained about wearing his older brother’s clothes or playing with his toys, but it became evident early on that there was not to be any hand-me-down parenting. Whereas my older son’s behavior could be redirected with a look, my younger son required a more active approach, oftentimes requiring me to physically intervene. Guided by the same fundamental positive discipline principles, there was a learning curve for making adjustments that were effective. The ten years difference between their ages as well as the ten years difference in mine, combined with the differences in our temperaments, experiences, styles, and circumstances means that they did not have exactly the same mother. As I’ve said before, I am still striving to become the parent each of my sons need.
Given that none of us have exactly the same parents, it reasonably follows that the relationship we have with a given parent is going to be different from the relationship any of our siblings have with that parent. What’s more, the relationship we have with one parent is going to be different from our relationship with the other parent, the same being true for each of our siblings. Hence, each pairing of a parent with a child constitutes a unique connection within the intricate web of a family system. Considering all this variability, it’s no wonder members of the same family are so different. At the same time, they share everything from genes, to a name, to a collective history. Recognizing, accepting*, and respecting differences, while seeking to find common ground can determine whether family discord or family unity prevails.
* Having the courage to accept others for their differences does not mean agreeing with them, approving of their decisions, or adopting their lifestyle. It simply means that we accept their right to make choices that may be different from ours. More about this in Chapter 6.
