(Part 3 of Chapter 2 from What Did I Tell You?)
Another notable attribute of parents, equally obvious yet routinely dismissed, ignored, even denied, is their primacy. Regarding the adults who raise us, whether biological or not, their influence on the person we become is irrefutable. Whatever the combination of male and female, natural, foster, adoptive, step, or otherwise related or unrelated adults, the connections we forge with our parents during the formative years provide the foundation for every other relationship we ever have.
Patterns of thought, belief, communication, and behavior begin to take shape through these earliest interactions. What we come to believe about ourselves, others, and the world around us, as well as how we relate to all of these, is deeply rooted in the relationships established with our primary caregivers, especially during the first five years of life, but even beyond. Parents are the original mirrors through which we view ourselves.
Clearly parenting entails so much more than tending to children’s physical needs. Ensuring that all of a child’s needs, psychological, emotional, social, intellectual, spiritual, as well as physical, are satisfactorily met is a tall order. Fully attending to the whole child is an exercise in optimism for the eventual actualization of a whole person.
Meeting children’s needs, especially those of the very young, requires an extraordinary commitment of time, energy, focused attention, and patience. Accepting responsibility for the life of a child means giving up having everything be about the adults’ wants and yes, at times, even their needs. Effective parenting requires an unparalleled level of unselfishness.
Rationalizing disinterest or indifference by claiming children are resilient, that they’ll get over whatever is said or done to them, that decisions made are for their own good and will help them be independent*, may reduce parents’ anxiety, but fails to mitigate the gravity of their charge.
*Independence is an illusion when it comes to human beings. This position will be addressed in more detail in Chapter 5.
Considering the monumental task that is child rearing, it is not surprising that some parents approach the undertaking with trepidation. After all, it requires an investment of at least eighteen years per child, not to mention the lifelong relationship that follows. What is surprising, and deeply disheartening, is when feelings of apprehension are managed by downplaying, outright denying the preeminence of this foundational human bond. But denying a fact doesn’t render it any less true.
Unlike other jobs, parenting is one that cannot not be done. Parenting is a full-time job even if it’s only being performed on a part-time basis. Children experience what parents do or don’t do, what they say or don’t say, their presence or absence, as parenting. They listen, watch, and take in everything parents tell and show them, through words and actions, making these instrumental in shaping the person they become. Regardless of how well or poorly the job of parenting is performed, its import remains certain.
The primacy of parents in their children’s eyes makes the job of parenting paramount. For those who have made the choice to become parents, whatever other work they choose to engage in is in addition to their job as parents. C. S. Lewis, the esteemed author of numerous literary works including the beloved Chronicles of Narnia, declared, “Children are not a distraction from more important work. They are the most important work.”
There are those who dispute this position, arguing that to believe parenting is the most important job in the world, parents have to believe their child is the most important person in the world. To those detractors I offer a fine, but crucial, distinction. When parents believe parenting is their most important job, they believe their child is the most important person in THEIR world. Treating any child as the most important person in THE world is not only unrealistic, it’s not in the best interest of a child to have the impression that it’s even possible. However, since parents are the most important people in the world to their children, it seems only reasonable that their children should be the most important people in the world to them.
Throughout childhood and adolescence, I regularly questioned, openly or discreetly, my parents’ decisions, especially regarding what I was and was not allowed to do. But there was never a question that my sisters and I were their main priority. There was no doubt that I was one of the three most important people in their world. That didn’t mean other people were not important. It certainly didn’t mean that I could do whatever I wanted. It didn’t mean they were thinking about me every minute of the day, but at a moment’s notice, they would be there if I needed them, no matter what the circumstances might be. And that was true right up until they were no longer physically able. Secure in the knowledge that I was one of the three most important people in my parents’ world meant I didn’t have to try to be the most important person in the world to anyone or everyone else.
Sheltered by the innocence of youth, I assumed all children had parents like mine. The discovery that this was not the case was eye-opening and distressing. The Disney movie, “Mary Poppins,” premiered in 1964, but it was 1966 before it arrived in a theatre close enough to our small town for us to attend. I was six-years-old, so of course all the magic and spectacle was fascinating. But what shocked me most was the lack of attention the children received, especially from their parents. The only time they seemed to be noticed was when they did something wrong or made a mistake. Otherwise, they were basically ignored. Preoccupied with their jobs, causes, and social status, the Banks’ aloof demeanor toward their children was genuinely disturbing.
The prevailing attitude that children were a bother, the demands for their care deemed burdensome, evidently warranted contempt and resentment from adults. Mary Poppins and Bert were the only adults to take exception with this mindset. Here were two essentially complete strangers who demonstrated more affection, caring, and empathy toward the children than their own parents. When Mr. and Mrs. Banks finally realized that Jane and Michael needed to be the most important people in their world, there was a tremendous sense of relief. Mary Poppins’ subsequent departure was both a sad and happy occasion, a paradox that left me tearful to my parents’ dismay. For the first time, a shadow had been cast on my naive assumption that all parents doted upon their children.
Several years passed before the plight of other children invaded my consciousness. During middle and high school, as my literary scope expanded to include biographies, chapter books, and novels, literature introduced me to the stark realities of parental indifference, neglect, and abuse, conduct heretofore foreign to me. The suffering that children, throughout history and around the world, have endured at the hands of adults, oftentimes the very ones meant to care for and protect them, was appalling. The more I read, the more painfully clear it became that children have never been universally granted status commensurate with that of adults. The hallowed bond between parent and child has consistently been disregarded when proven inconvenient to adult pursuits.
No matter when or how, whether planned or unexpected, singly, in pairs or multiples, biological, foster, or adopted, the arrival of a child changes everything. We are delivered into our parents’ arms utterly dependent and vulnerable, so ready to believe whatever we are told. We listen to everything they say. We watch everything they do. They are the original mirrors through which we view ourselves. They are the primary influence on the earliest version of ourselves we come to know. We long for them to reflect an image of us as someone who is lovable, capable, and worthy. When we look into their eyes, we want to see their confidence in our ability to become the best version of ourselves. We want to trust that they will do everything in their power to assist us in this endeavor.
A popular quote, attributed to Dr. Seuss states that, “To the world you may be one person, but to one person you may be the world.” No truer words could be spoken with respect to the view children have of their parents. What a world it might be if the reverse were also true.
