During his first week of college, my younger son attended a meet and greet for the first-year theatre students.  Although he was not a theatre major, he had been awarded a scholarship requiring that he participate in their productions, which afforded him an invitation to this social event.  Who would have guessed that on this occasion he would meet his future bride?  After nearly eight years together, they were recently wed.  

Contemplating the marriage of my youngest child, I found myself pondering what wisdom I could impart.  You might think it reasonable to assume that with my background as a marriage and family therapist combined with my 41 years of personal experience I would be able to tell them unequivocally how to have the perfect marriage.  Well…you’d be wrong.    

The initial mistake is in supposing that a perfect marriage exists.  There is no such thing.  A perfect marriage would require two perfect people.  Since there are no perfect people, logically there are no perfect marriages.  The notion of perfection itself is flawed in that it suggests some standard by which all relevant examples can be compared, when in actuality what is believed to be perfect is relative and subjective.  

While objectivity may be more possible in the realm of mathematics and science (and even then achieving it is questionable), it is not applicable when it comes to human relationships.  In fact, the unrealistic expectations perpetuated by the notion of perfection serve as obstacles to creating, nurturing, and maintaining deeply meaningful, satisfying relationships.   

Furthermore, although I have learned a thing or two about the nature and power of interpersonal relationships, particularly those existing within families, the more I learn, the more I realize there is to know.  More often than not, each conclusion I draw generates a plethora of new questions. For many of these there are no simple, straightforward answers because there is so much variability.  

Since no two individuals are exactly alike, no two marriages are exactly alike.  While all marriages are made up of the same basic elements, two people and the relationship between them as well as those surrounding them, the condition, combination, and arrangement of those elements is utterly unique to each couple.  Recognizable patterns may occur, but each marriage is distinctive.  

So although there is no single blueprint for marriage, there are attitudes and practices that enhance a couple’s ability to establish and sustain a dynamic, mutually enriching and satisfying, lasting partnership.  It is these I want to highlight after reviewing all the advice and recommendations I have offered over the years.  But before proceeding, allow me to make a few additional disclaimers.

First and foremost, let me make it abundantly clear that identifying and describing attributes of enduring marriages is in no way meant to imply that I have successfully mastered them.  As is the case with any significant interpersonal relationship, change is inevitable, offering continued opportunities for growth and strengthening the connection.   There is always room for improvement.  

Secondly, this is nowhere near a comprehensive treatise on the subject of marriage.  Volumes have been written by much more illustrious writers than I.  AlI I can do is share what I have studied and continue to learn through observation and experience.  

Thirdly, the sequence in which this overview is presented is not intended to suggest any hierarchical order.  Each aspect is important in its own right.  Some are ever present and ongoing while others are situational, but they all require attention and effort.  Relatedly, they do not exist in nor are they achieved in a linear progression.  Marriage is not a static condition.  Rather, it is a dynamic, ongoing process, more spiral in nature, perhaps even a series of interconnected spirals continuously encountering both new and recurring situations that require making decisions.  At any point in time, a couple may be closer to or farther away from their desired state, depending on the choices made.

Finally, marriage is a bold undertaking.  As such, it cannot be conducted from a sitting position.  Since marriage is a process, it requires continually augmenting and enhancing the repertoire of responses to situations.  H. Jackson Brown wrote, “Marriage is like an empty box.  It remains empty unless you put more in than you take out.”  Imagine it as some kind of toolbox, a sewing box even.  The object is to consistently add to the inventory those tools suitable for the construction, maintenance, and repair work inevitable in any marital relationship. 

Now for recommendations from my perspective as a former marriage and family therapist:

Continue Becoming Yourself.  I once heard a university provost say, “Becoming is superior to being.”  Being describes a static state, while becoming recognizes the active, evolving nature of the self.  Becoming also suggests that the process is one over which we have control.  Keep discovering your abilities.  Commit to becoming a lifelong learner.  Stay curious about the world around you.   

The human body is designed to move.  Treat your body well.  It is the only one you get.  It has to see you through a lifetime.  Take care of it and it will take care of you.  Your health is crucial to achieving your aspirations.  Maintaining your health and physical fitness will benefit every other aspect of your life.  Just keep moving! 

Assess your self esteem.  Work on those areas where you find yourself lacking confidence, your insecurities.  Have realistic expectations for yourself and your partner.  Accept responsibility for your actions.  When you make a mistake, own it.  Learn from it.   Be open to change.  Remember, the only person you can change is yourself. 

Take responsibility for knowing what your needs are, for communicating them clearly, and for getting them met.  Your spouse is not a mind reader.  They are not capable of knowing or responsible for fulfilling all your needs.  The only way they can know what you need or want is if you tell them. 

Your relationship will be profoundly affected by the way you feel about yourself.  The more secure you feel, the more you believe in yourself, the better prepared you will be to navigate the variable nature of life in general and marriage in particular.  Continue pursuing the best version of the unique individual you are and want to become.

Continue Becoming a Couple.  Marriage is the first instance when traditional math does not apply.  Whereas one plus one usually equals two, when it comes to marriage 1 + 1 = 3 to account for the relationship in addition to each of the two individuals.  Opportunities, choices, decisions must be considered in the context of the impact on both partners as well as the relationship.  When you are both committed to growth as individuals and partners, the bond between you will be strengthened and sustained.     

Research has shown that one characteristic of couples in lasting marriages is a fond recollection of their earliest times together – their meeting and courtship.  Preserve and revisit your courtship story.  Recollecting those happy memories can be a source of reassurance in challenging times.  Treasure your unique history.  It is a story your children, should you choose to have them, will relish hearing.

Couples often complain that over time their relationship has become routine and boring.  This is typically the result of failing to continue the art of courting beyond the honeymoon.  But the desire to be courted is not extinguished with marriage.  The assumption that dating and courtship are active and stimulating whereas marriage is passive and routine is a detrimental misnomer.  Wedding ceremonies are typically full of action words – promises to love, honor, cherish, and support.  I have yet to attend a wedding where one of the vows was, “I promise to become less attractive, less affectionate, uncommunicative, distant and to take thee for granted for as long as we both shall live.”  

One of the most common excuses for a marriage gone stale is lack of time.  However, courting couples have the same twenty-four hours in their day as married couples.  Courting couples are often full-time students who hold jobs, or are both employed full time, or employed full time and have children.  Married couples who complain of having no time for each other somehow find time to chat, text, or do lunch with friends or co-workers, watch television, surf the net, and participate in social media.  Clearly, what has changed are the couple’s priorities, not the amount of time available. 

Be proactive.  Continue courting each other.  Keep learning about each other.  Schedule time to spend together regularly.  Spontaneous outings are lovely, but don’t depend on them happening in the bustling lives we lead.  Go for walks and talk.  Exercise together.  Learn how to do something new together.  Choose a book to read together and discuss.  Better yet, read aloud to one another.  Continue to do those little things you did to attract one another in the first place – leave love notes, give compliments, surprise each other.  Time together doesn’t have to be spontaneous or expensive to be satisfying.  Falling in love is easy.  Staying in love requires a concerted effort.    

The word cultivate is traditionally associated with preparation of the ground for raising crops.  However, more broadly, it can be applied to anything that grows and improves with labor and care, including relationships.  Cultivate your partnership.  Sow seeds of trust, cooperation, connection, and commitment.  Avoid introducing feelings of doubt and competition.  Support each other’s dreams and aspirations.  Be generous with your appreciation, patience, humor, goodwill, and respect.  The best partners make each other better.

Prioritize Your Relationship.  Outside influences such as jobs, social obligations, hobbies, even friends and extended family will, whether knowingly or unwittingly, place demands on your energy and time.  Establish boundaries around your marriage.  Make sure these are clearly defined and communicated so that others can be respectful of your efforts to protect your relationship.  There may be circumstances that require temporary adjustments in your boundaries, but these should not become habitual.  

No matter how full schedules become, make time for each other, even if it is in the form of a phone call or text, a note left in a lunch box or on a dashboard.  Conserve your energy while on the job.  Save some of those smiles, words of encouragement, some of that patience and enthusiasm that you demonstrate with your colleagues, for the person waiting for you at home.  Spouses should not have to compete with others for attention. Your partner, the person you vowed to love, honor, and cherish deserves the best of yourself – not leftovers.  

Align Your Interests.  Although it is unrealistic to expect that you will share all the same interests, finding activities that you both enjoy is one way to ensure spending time together.  Whether it’s physical activity, artistic endeavors, home improvement projects, hobbies, recreational activities, job-related obligations or a combination of all of the above, participating jointly provides more common ground upon which to continue building a solid foundation for your relationship.  Have fun together.

Marry Me, Marry My Family.  Every marriage begins with two people.  Each is a unique individual, but they do not enter the relationship alone.  They arrive accompanied by all their beliefs, experiences, and expectations about what it means to be a couple.  These notions have accumulated over a lifetime of direct and indirect exposure to, observation of, and participation in relationships, whether real, fictitious, or imagined.  Just as these two people will build their relationship on the foundation of relationships that came before them, the relationship between them provides the foundation for those resulting from their coming together.  

The intricate relationships between family members can perhaps best be illustrated by comparing a family to a mobile.  If you have ever observed a mobile, you have probably noticed that all the connections make it impossible to touch one piece without moving all the others.  Some may teeter wildly while others barely quiver, but they all move.  The same is true of families.  What affects a person in one relationship will affect their other relationships.  In short, your marriage will be affected by the state of your other familial relationships.  The degree and nature of the effects will vary depending on your ability to navigate those influences.

The family we grow up in, the family of origin, provides our primary models for marriage. Remember, there is no such thing as a perfect marriage.  Be aware of and evaluate those that have been most influential in determining your attitudes and expectations regarding marriage.  While these have served as models, you are not obligated to replicate them.  Honestly assess those aspects worthy of adoption and those to be avoided.  

Since you can only do what you know, it will be important to look for examples of the kind of relationship you want to create if your models did not exemplify those qualities.  The time and effort it takes to learn new, more effective ways of relating will be worthwhile.  As Maya Angelou advised, “Do the best you can until you know better. Then when you know better, do better.” 

One of the initial challenges couples face is deciding how to blend traditions practiced in each of their families.  Whether it’s negotiating the division of labor of household chores, establishing guidelines for budgeting and financial decisions, or deciding how to celebrate holidays and special occasions, the influence from family of origin experiences and expectations requires consideration.  Regard each other’s feelings and avoid assuming that your way is the best, right, or only way.  An egalitarian approach to blending and creating your own traditions will go a long way in preventing discontent that leads to resentment.  Keep in mind that there is no one way to do most things.  Although we each carry the weight of our family of origin with us, we determine whether it will be a blessing or a burden.         

Communication is Not Just Talk.  One of the most important things to understand about communication is that you can’t not do it.  All behavior, both verbal and nonverbal, is communication and conveys a message, even if we are unaware of it or are doing so unintentionally.  So the issue is not whether or not we’re communicating, but what we are communicating and how well we are communicating it. 

When individuals experience others as not communicating with them, it is often because the receiver is not responding in the manner that the sender desires, so the sender assumes the receiver didn’t “hear” the message. Some of us assume that if the receiver doesn’t agree with the message, it is merely because they didn’t hear or understand correctly. These individuals tend to confuse lack of agreement with misunderstanding. The confusion may be intensified if the receiver does not know how to effectively express their disagreement.

Then there are those who send incomplete or hidden messages that are  supposed to be decoded by the receiver who may not have the proper code translator manual or even realize a message has been sent. These message senders appear to subscribe to the misguided notion that if someone truly loves them, they should automatically be able to read their mind.

We sabotage our communication, and ultimately our relationships, in so many ways. It is amazing how well we have learned to communicate poorly. One can only wonder what would happen if we put as much energy into learning to communicate effectively as we put into avoiding it.  

Promoting and practicing effective communication benefits from matching verbal and nonverbal cues.  Communication involves more than the words we speak.  It includes tone of voice, facial expressions, and body language.  Studies have actually shown that we pay the least amount of attention to the words.  When the verbal and nonverbal cues don’t match, the likelihood of miscommunication is significantly increased.

Be sure the message you are sending is the one intended. Attempt to match your words with a tone of voice, facial expressions, and body language that clarify, rather than confuse, the message you are trying to convey.  Tacking on the phrase, “I love you,” after a scathing comment or while focused on a computer screen doesn’t feel like love to the receiver.  For words to mean anything, actions have to match them.

Be emotionally present and honest. Take the time and make the effort to accurately identify your feelings before speaking. Are you really mad, or are you actually hurt or disappointed? Are you really angry, or are you actually scared, embarrassed, or exhausted? You are much more likely to get the response you desire if you are honest about how you feel.  

Beware of your auditory filters. Perhaps you didn’t know there are tiny, invisible filters in our ears. They begin developing at birth and are shaped by the pattern of communication we observed and participated in as children. These filters determine how we hear the messages others send. Sometimes they create static that interferes with messages so that we hear criticism, threats, doubt, mistrust, or personal attacks whether or not any was intended. Our filters tend to reflect our level of self esteem.

One of the primary reasons we feel emotionally vulnerable is that we give other people the power to define our self worth.  We forget that while we are protecting ourselves from pain and disappointment, we are also robbing ourselves of the opportunity for deeply satisfying relationships. 

Check your filters. If your filters are faulty, do something about it. Clean them out and replace them with filters that allow you to listen freely and keep your sense of self worth intact. Remember, the way others communicate with you says more about them than about you. Be sure the way you communicate with others reflects the kind of person you are, or better yet, the kind of person you want to become.

Be quick to listen, slow to speak. Listening is a Total Body Experience.  Listen with your eyes and your feelings, as well as your ears. Remember,  listening does not mean approval, acceptance, or agreement.  It just means you’re listening.  Listen for the feelings behind the words and behavior, the feelings that are motivating the person to speak and behave in the way you are observing.  I read somewhere that we have two ears and one mouth so we can listen twice as much as we speak.  Make listening your superpower.   

Restate what you think you heard them say and check for accuracy before formulating a response. Take the time to consider what you want your words to accomplish before delivering a reply.  You may have heard the advice, “Measure twice, cut once.”  Equally advisable is think twice, speak once, or better yet, not at all.  This advice has saved me countless times from the pain of remorse.  The regret from what is not said is easier to bear than the regret from what is.  Sometimes the most powerful thing to say is nothing. 

For every complaint you have about your partner, find five things you appreciate about them. Be sure you are doing as good a job expressing the latter as the former.  The next time you find yourself about to ‘let them have it’ or ‘give them a piece of your mind’, ask yourself, “How would I respond to what I’m about to say?” You might want to find a different way to say it. Since we can’t not communicate, invest the time and make the effort to do it well. Talk may be cheap, but communicating effectively is priceless.

Adopting new, more effective communication skills may feel awkward and uncomfortable at first.  But when both partners are committed, with practice, they will continue to feel more natural.  Using these strategies is especially wise when it comes to addressing salient issues such as family-career balance, basic values, religion, decision making, lifestyle, finances, sex, birth control, children, parenting, and extended family.  Ideally, both partners should feel at ease talking openly about anything.  However, making your relationship a safe haven for the expression of thoughts and feelings doesn’t guarantee it will be conflict free.                

Conflict is Inevitable, So Learn to Resolve It.  Accept conflict as a natural part of any intimate relationship.  Avoiding conflict or denying it exists is corrosive to a relationship over time.  No two people, no matter how in love, devoted, and content, are going to completely agree on everything all the time.  Unconditional love does not require absolute consensus.  Disagreeing is not a sign of waning affection or diminished commitment.  Relationships based on trust and goodwill allow partners the confidence to disagree without fear of retaliation.  Arguing can even be beneficial if conducted properly.

Setting the stage for satisfactory conflict resolution begins with defining the issue as precisely as possible.  Once it has been clearly identified, stay focused on the issue at hand.  Stay in the present.  Look for areas of agreement as well as differences.  Honestly assess your perceptions, impressions, and assumptions regarding the issue.

Remember, listening is essential to effective communication including during conflict.  Listen to understand, not to respond.  Repeat your understanding of the message you received.  When it is your turn to reply, take the time to formulate your response based on your understanding.  Accurately identify, appropriately express, and own your feelings. State your requests and wishes clearly and directly.  Say what you mean and mean what you say.  Voice reservations if you have them. 

Confront disagreements with the same patience, clarity, and creativity you dedicate to other aspects of your lives.  Negotiate issues with courage and honesty, but remember that it is possible to be honest without being cruel.  Humor can also be helpful when used appropriately.  While it may provide levity, it should not diminish the issue or belittle a partner’s feelings or opinions.  Teasing should never be employed at a partner’s expense.  Using a partner’s areas of insecurity against them, even in jest, is tacitly discouraged, especially during conflict.    

Since the goal is preserving your relationship through reaching an amicable solution there are a number of mistakes to avoid.  Refrain from giving ultimatums.  Abstain from  making accusations, personal attacks, or name calling.  Resist bringing up the past.  Avoid using the silent treatment or deserting your partner in the midst of a disagreement.  However, if an argument is deteriorating or becoming unproductive, call a time out.  Take some time to get your emotions in check and gather your thoughts.  Return to the issue when you have both regained your composure and perspective.

We all make mistakes.  Failing to admit this can lead to distrust and resentment.  If apologies are warranted, make them with sincerity.  Saying “I’m sorry” is just the first step in a genuine apology.  It should be followed with a statement of exactly what you are sorry for and why it was wrong; an acceptance of responsibility for any anguish caused along with a declaration of how you intend to make amends and do better in the future; and finally, a request for forgiveness.    

Be slow to anger and willing to forgive.  When a genuine apology is offered, grant forgiveness readily and completely.  Forgiveness should not be confused with granting permission to repeatedly make the same mistake.  If there is a recurring issue, seek help.  Asking for help should not be a source of fear or shame.  It is not a sign of weakness or inadequacy.  Seeking help takes courage.  It is not giving up.  It is refusing to give up.

 Seek closure.  When partners view conflict as a win or lose proposition, they both lose.  Approach arguments or disagreements with purpose; to gain a deeper appreciation and understanding of the issue, to learn more about each other, to connect and grow as a couple.  The benefits of being able to successfully resolve conflict cannot be overstated.

Now speaking as your mother and mother-by-love:

Everything we do, from the instant we open our eyes when we awake until the instant we close them in sleep, is a choice.  Granted, many of the choices we make are so routine that we are not even aware of them, but they are choices nevertheless.  For every choice we make, there are consequences.  To choose one option means to reject the others.  Taking responsibility for our choices, especially when the consequences end up being detrimental to us or those we love, can be extremely difficult.

And so, choose purpose-driven lives – purposes worthy of your time, energy, intellect, talent, and passion.  Choose kindness in everything you do.  Choose to be happy and spread joy wherever you go.  But above all, choose love.  Remember, falling in love is easy.  Staying in love requires concerted effort.  Relationships that last involve two people who spend a lifetime falling in love with one another.  May you find reasons and create opportunities to fall in love with each other over and over again for as long as you both shall live.