Calls for peace are becoming more frequent in response to the near daily reports of violent crimes fueled by anger, dissent, and hate. However, these calls for peace are sometimes couched in terms that suggest peace is only possible if everyone looks the same way, believes the same things, and behaves in the same manner. Suggesting that the price of peace is forsaking individuality, intellectual curiosity, equality, and personal freedom is highly suspicious. Using violent means to establish peace seems antithetical and sounds more like forced submission than peace. Professing a desire for peace while accusing, name calling, threatening, touting speculation as fact, and using dehumanizing language is completely hypocritical, casting doubt as to whether one even understands what constitutes peace.
Peace is defined as freedom from disturbance; tranquility; mental calm; serenity; the absence of war. But peace is not just an outcome. Peace is also a process that requires a commitment to continuously building and maintaining equity and justice for all.
Peace, as with most aspects of the human condition, is a choice. It may not be obvious or even conscious, but it is always an option. For every instance when abuse, cruelty, threats, or violence occurs, a more peaceful solution exists.
The thing about peace is that it’s hard. It often requires giving up something, such as having the last word, making a point, believing our way is the only way, or getting what we want at the expense of others. There are even those who have sacrificed their lives in the pursuit of peace. Peace is not compatible with arrogance, competition, greed, ignorance, prejudice, or selfishness. These obstacles to peace grow out of feelings of fear, inferiority, insecurity, and vulnerability.
Peace requires discipline, courage, patience, tolerance, and grace. An essential prerequisite for peace is empathy. Atticus Finch explains this to Scout in To Kill a Mockingbird. “You never really understand a person until you consider things from their point of view, until you climb into their skin and walk around in it.” When we can look into the eyes of another and see all the ways they are like us rather than the ways they are different, we are primed for peace. When we acknowledge the equality of all humankind, we can promote peace.
Unfortunately, we are living in a time when being kind, considerate, decent, respectful, and peace-seeking are suspect. Those observed exhibiting these qualities are described as boring, even weak, scorned for their naïvete and lack of worldliness. They are not considered sophisticated, edgy, trendy. But these individuals are rarely strangers to controversy and conflict. Peace is not merely the absence of conflict. Peace is both the means as well as the desired end of effective conflict resolution.
Eleanor Roosevelt said, “It isn’t enough to talk about peace. One must believe in it. And it isn’t enough to believe in it. One must work at it.” How do we work at peace? How do we promote peace in our communities? How do we teach children to seek peace? How can we become models of peace in our families? For home is where peace begins.
Studying peace is a good place to start. Familiarizing ourselves with what peace is, what peace looks like. Exploring the lives of those known for embodying peace. Identifying those qualities and practices that exemplify peace. Deciding what peace means to us. Evaluating our position on peace. Choosing to use words and actions that reflect those beliefs.
Practicing peaceful communication advances us toward our objective. Remembering that communication includes listening as well as speaking improves the chances for effective communication. Listening does not mean we agree, approve, grant permission, or intend to adopt the position of the speaker. It just means we are willing to listen. By listening carefully to what others say we can attempt to identify the feelings behind their words. Doing so allows us to “get into their skin.” When we understand the feelings behind what others say, the motivation behind their words, that information can inform our response.
Increasing our peaceful word vocabulary invites collaboration rather than competition, unity rather than division. Thinking before speaking is a good rule of thumb. Asking ourselves how we would feel if someone said to us what we are about to say to another can help avoid regrettable comments. Using a calm tone of voice can help prevent escalation. Find ways to be honest that express caring and concern. It is possible to be honest without being cruel. Make saying something kind a habit. And a genuine smile helps.
Seeking peaceful solutions to conflict requires spending time learning and practicing the skills of negotiation and compromise. Looking for common ground sets the stage for cooperation. When there is a problem, clearly define what the problem is and how all parties are affected. Clarify expectations for resolving conflict peacefully. Include all family members in the peace process, when age appropriate. Create an atmosphere of trust among family members. Empower family members with the courage to take responsibility for their words and actions as well as the consequences. Taking responsibility for whatever part we have played in starting or continuing an argument sets the tone for others. Apologize for those things we have said and done that others have found hurtful. State how we intend to make amends and refrain from making the same mistake in the future. Expect everyone to cooperate in adopting the agreed upon peaceful solution.
Employing peace-compatible discipline is fundamental to creating an atmosphere of peace. Adopting a preventive approach lays the groundwork. Making expectations for behavior age appropriate, clear, and explained ahead of time increases the likelihood of compliance. Make consequences age appropriate, relevant to the offense, consistent, and implemented in a timely manner. Whenever possible, make consequences for failure to comply clear in advance. Explore alternatives to unacceptable behavior. Instead of telling children what they can’t do, try telling them what they can do. Make compliance and cooperation more desirable than misbehavior by expressing appreciation when they occur. We all, including children, tend to respond more favorably to fans than to critics. In her book, Positive Parenting, Jane Nelsen reminds us, “Our children do not have to be made to feel worse in order to do better.” Remember that as parents – our time, attention, approval, and affection – are our children’s greatest reward.
In addition to modeling peace for children, we can provide age-appropriate models for peace by pointing out examples in the world around them with whom they can identify. Introduce them to age appropriate role models from history and literature. Knowing that other children their age have made peaceful choices in difficult situations can inspire and encourage them when faced with the inevitable challenges to peace.
Choosing peaceful forms of entertainment is another strategy for seeking peace. It requires paying close attention to the messages our children hear about relationships, conflict, violence, and peace from television, movies, toys, games, music, and literature. When the messages they are exposed to go against the values we are trying to teach, we need to speak up. Failing to do so may be perceived as agreeing with or approving of the content. Take advantage of the opportunity to explain our views regarding what constitutes acceptable and unacceptable messages and behavior. Engage children in a dialogue about how situations could be addressed in a more peaceful manner. Make it clear how we would expect them to behave in a similar situation. Taking the time to explain our position demonstrates our desire for them to understand. When there are shows, movies, toys, and games that do not meet with our approval, we can turn them off, refuse to buy them. We need to have the courage to make unpopular decisions. After all, we expect our children to do so when pressured to participate in bullying, alcohol, drugs, promiscuity, or violence.
Peace is not easy, but it is possible. Peace often demands making difficult choices, but it’s worth it. When we fall short in our efforts, it’s important to seek forgiveness as well as forgive ourselves, make amends, and try again. Our children will learn to be peace seekers when they see us practice the peace we preach. There is a song that proclaims, “Let there be peace on Earth, and let it begin with me.” Let it be so.
