“If you have love, you don’t need to have anything else, and if you don’t have it, it doesn’t matter much what else you have.” ~James M. Barrie
Valentine’s Day is nearly here. Everything from donuts to dog treats are heart shaped. Displays of roses and candy adorn the entryway of most stores. Virtually anything edible has been dipped in chocolate. The commodity of love is in the air, and it’s for sale. Apparently, love is as easy as sending a card, candy, or flowers, better yet all three. Throw in a piece of jewelry and you’ve got it made. The bigger the price tag, the greater the love. The message is simple. But therein lies the flaw in our reasoning – assuming simple means easy. Love is a prime example of something seemingly simple being anything but easy.
Throughout history, this single, four-letter word has captured the imagination of countless artists, philosophers, and scholars. Few subjects have inspired more artistic and intellectual productivity than love. Yet, when asked what love is, no two people provide exactly the same definition or description.
Undoubtedly volumes could be filled with what I still don’t know about love. Nevertheless, having spent most of my life observing, reading about, studying, and practicing love in relationships, some general impressions have formulated. No official research has been conducted or lengthy questionnaires administered to collect data. Whether or not there is empirical evidence to support them, I don’t know. These conclusions are drawn from over sixty years spent contemplating love.
Love is an action word. In the declarative sentence, “I love you,” love is the verb. A verb is an action word. It depicts or implies action. Verbal expressions of love may sound eloquent, but failing to match them with congruent action renders them meaningless. Love may be proclaimed in words, but it is proven by acts.
English is an impoverished language when it comes to love. Unlike the marketing industry, the Greeks understood that what one feels for a stick of gum, household appliance, or car is not the same as what one feels for another person. They had seven different words to distinguish between the types of love people experience. Since we have only one word, it is vital that we reserve its use for those whom we hold most dear. Overuse and misuse of the word love diminishes its significance.
Knowing what love isn’t is just as important as knowing what love is. Mistakenly confusing love with physical attraction, sexual desire, and material objects can have devastating consequences, especially for the young and inexperienced. While these may be precursors to love or expressions of love, they are not it’s equivalent. Providing children with clear messages about appropriate expressions of love helps protect them against vulnerability to exploitation. Love does not lurk in shadows demanding secrecy. Neither does it threaten or intimidate. Love does not intentionally inflict pain and suffering. Nor does it practice or justify abusive or criminal behavior. Love is a shield, not a weapon.
Love comes from the head, not the heart. The brain, in combination with the central nervous system, is the source of all thoughts and feelings. As human beings, we are in a perpetual state of thinking and feeling. Suggesting that the two are unrelated is absurd. Emotions affect thoughts and vice versa. Furthermore, thoughts and feelings affect the rest of the body, including the heart. They may make the heart beat faster or slower, but it is not their source. While it may sound romantic to say we are speaking from the heart or we love with all our heart, that is not the case. When thoughts and feelings are in sync, the resulting actions reflect authentic intent. Originating from the mind does not make love any less wondrous.
Love is both personal and universal. We are each hardwired with the capacity to receive and give love. The ability to actually recognize, accept, and demonstrate it is largely determined by interpersonal experience. Thus, the ability to love is learned. Parents and/or primary caregivers are paramount as teachers and models of what children come to believe about love. Although each of us has a unique perspective, love is something we all want and need. Love makes the difference between existing and living.
Love requires empathy. Empathy is the ability to put oneself in another’s place. When it comes to love, empathy presupposes personal experience or some level of familiarity with love, whether direct or vicarious. We cannot presume to love another effectively in the absence of any exposure to love. Taking the time to get to know, understand, and clarify expectations regarding love is necessary in any mutually satisfying relationship. To show love, we must first know love.
Love is an act of courage. There are no guarantees when it comes to love. It takes tremendous courage to open ourselves to the possibility that our love may not be reciprocated – to accept that, either way, our life will be changed. Love is messy, complicated, and hard. Love may disappoint or even fail, but love is a risk worth taking. Love is never a waste. There is value in every encounter with love we have. We don’t lose from loving or being loved. We are better for it.
Love is an endless act of forgiveness. Love is strong enough to withstand disappointment, with ourselves and with others. Loving another means choosing not to punish them when they make a mistake. Love offers the transgressor an opportunity to redeem themself after exhibiting genuine remorse. However, love also recognizes when repeated offenses form a pattern and forgiveness becomes enabling. Enabling unacceptable behavior is not in the best interest of either party. There is nothing beyond forgiveness in the presence of love. It is never too late for love. Love makes amends, not excuses.
Love changes. Change is not the same as growth. Growth suggests a linear progression, something that can be measured, like height, or counted, like money. Love exists as a quality, not a quantity. We are not endowed with a finite amount of love that can be used up, leaving us empty handed. The capacity for love is immeasurable. Love evolves to meet the changing needs of those involved in the relationship. Love takes many forms and is transformative. Love changes everything.
Love is a choice. Every day we participate in countless interactions that present us with the opportunity to demonstrate a loving response. Choosing love means choosing kindness, patience, and generosity. It means choosing not to be threatened by or resentful of another’s abilities and talents. Love delights in doing good and seeing others do good also. It offers honesty without cruelty and seeks the same. Love is safe, dependable, and hopeful. Love inspires us to become our best selves and to desire the same for others.
Since love is a choice, each of us is faced with the question, how will we love? My intent is to love like the small grain of sand in an oyster that, over time, produces a pearl. May each of us possess the wisdom to recognize love, the courage to offer and accept it, and the resolve to surround ourselves with people to love, who will love us in return. Of all the things for which I might one day be remembered, let it be that I knew love and loved well.
