Standing in a theatre lobby (preCOVID), I overheard some young cast members engaged in a conversation.  They were sharing their mutual admiration for a more experienced fellow actor who refused to criticize other actors. They expressed appreciation for someone who not only discouraged others from participating in this undesirable behavior, but avoided doing so themself.  

The actor in question had distinguished between examining another actor’s work for the purpose of learning lessons that prove valuable in honing one’s own skills and disparaging another actor’s performance in an attempt to elevate the merit of one’s own.  In conclusion…disparaging other actors fails to improve anyone else’s performance.  

The same reasoning applies to any profession or, for that matter, any aspect of life.  For example, I have spent years watching, listening to, studying, and reading about parents. Learning what to do and what not to do based on the observation of other parents’ attitudes and practices has proven invaluable, both professionally and personally.  However, disparaging other parents, even my own, doesn’t do anything to make me a better parent. Discerning between effective and ineffective parenting approaches does not necessitate disparagement.  

Unfortunately, disparaging one another has become a national pastime, from the general public, to celebrities, to elected officials.  Social media provides a convenient forum for participating. It’s like a competition to see who can come up with the most derogatory comments the fastest.  Participants are under the mistaken impression that they’re demonstrating their cleverness, intelligence, and sophistication. But bullying by any other name, (cyberbullying), is still bullying.  Ironically, kids get in serious trouble when they are caught doing it. 

Like any other destructive behavior, such as making false accusations, name calling, or fighting, disparaging others is a lot easier to do than changing ourselves or doing something to actually improve the situation.  We often resort to destructive behavior when we feel threatened, vulnerable, inadequate, and insecure. Self doubt is often disguised as bravado. Defensive reactions prevent productive exchanges from occurring.        

When we’re intent on composing the next witty comeback, we’re no longer paying attention to the real issue. Whether the original message had any genuine validity gets lost in the crossfire.  When we choose to act based on our initial response, we fail to engage the self-monitoring part of our brain. Choosing instead to take a deep breath or count to ten, gives us time to activate the self-regulating prefrontal cortex, increasing our chances of reacting appropriately and productively.  

While our immediate reaction may be the most honest, it may not be the most beneficial.  Our first impression may not be the best one upon which to base our actions. As the character, Elliott Anderson, in the movie, “Black or White” states, “…it’s not my first thought that counts.  It’s my second and third and fourth thought, and in each and every case…it comes down to the action.”  

We may not have control over the instantaneous internal reaction we experience when faced with a challenging situation, but we certainly have control over the action we choose to take.  We can choose to ignore disparaging comments. We can refuse to reciprocate. We can choose to be the grown up in the room. As adults we should know better, but knowing better is meaningless if we don’t do better.  

Does there have to be a tragedy or crisis for us to transcend our differences?  Do we just keep pretending not to see what we are doing to each other? What are we willing to sacrifice in our desperate quest to have the last word?  

Lively conversation and even passionate exchange of ideas can occur without disparaging one another.  We can choose to be kind and respectful, even if we don’t agree on anything. Imagine what could be accomplished if the energy wasted on disparaging each other were directed toward discovering solutions that might benefit us all.  And we are all US.