A few years ago, while end-of-season garden shopping, I discovered a clearance bin full of Tulip bulbs.  Exactly what I was looking for.  Imagine the color and texture these little gems would add to my horticultural palette.  I grabbed a bag, unconcerned by the lack of label or care instructions.

To the Internet I went and discovered how to store the bulbs, select the best location for planting, prepare the soil, as well as when and how to plant them.  I followed the directions meticulously, sat back and waited to reap the rewards of my labor.  When the Crocuses announced the arrival of spring, I knew I would not have much longer to wait.  But the Hyacinths came and went.  Then the Daffodils bloomed.  Still nothing.  Not even a speck of green peeking out of the ground.

I was so disappointed and frustrated.  I had been so careful and worked so hard.  I got angry at the store for selling me defective bulbs.  Then I started doubting myself and started wondering what I had done wrong.  I went back and reread all the instructions on Tulip planting and care.  I had followed them to the letter.  But I must have done something wrong.  Maybe I planted them too early or too late or let them get too wet or too dry.  Maybe there was not enough sun or too much.  I resigned myself to another spring without Tulips.

About three weeks later I noticed numerous, tender, green shoots sprouting.  In a couple of weeks it became clear that these were not Tulips.  They were Gladiolas!  When they bloomed, there were color combinations I had never seen before.  What a welcome surprise!  My landscape was enhanced in a completely unexpected way.

Nearly every day we are faced with the unexpected.  The significance of these events can range from something as simple as getting Gladiolas instead of Tulips to something as profound as having a child with special needs instead of a child without.  The spectrum of feelings associated with these events are not that different…excitement, anticipation, surprise, disappointment, fear, inadequacy, frustration, anger, guilt, joy…however their intensity, longevity, and recurrence are.  The manner in which we acknowledge, identify, and express these feelings plays a key role in determining their  impact and outcome.

Here are some suggestions for ways to embrace life’s unexpected gifts and allow them to enrich your lifescape:

Be Inspired, Not Incapacitated by Feelings

Feelings are neither right nor wrong.  They just are.  What we choose to do with them determines whether or not they are constructive or destructive.  Problems arise when feelings are not honestly acknowledged, accurately identified, and appropriately expressed.  While we rarely complain about pleasant feelings, we actively avoid and deny unpleasant ones.  This is not surprising since unpleasant feelings leave us feeling vulnerable.  In an effort to prevent this sense of vulnerability we engage in self-protective behavior that is often unproductive in the long run.  Anger is a good example of how this happens.

Anger is a secondary emotion.  Even if for only a split second, there is always another feeling that occurs before anger.  This primary emotion leaves us feeling vulnerable, such as fear.  Like a lion bristling its mane to appear larger and more threatening, we raise our voice and exaggerate our movements to appear more in control, more powerful, more confident.  In our attempts to convince our “opponent” and ourselves of our competence, we typically exacerbate the problem rather than solve it.

Guilt is another secondary emotion.  It frequently follows on the heels of feeling inadequate, embarrassed, unprepared, or incompetent.  Like anger, guilt is a poor informant when it comes to deciding what actions to take.  Decisions based on guilt may appear to alleviate the immediate situation, but fail to achieve satisfying, long-term solutions.

Give yourself permission to experience the full range of emotions you feel. Recognize and acknowledge the unpleasant feelings as well as the pleasant ones.  Accept them as natural and not the result of some flaw or weakness in your character.  Find people who will allow you to safely explore your feelings and help you discover productive ways to expend your energy.  When you recognize and honestly acknowledge your feelings, you are more likely to accurately identify them for what they are.  Only then can you hope to appropriately express them in ways that will be beneficial to you and your child.

Arm Yourself with Information

You can only do what you know, so the more you know, the more you can do to maximize your child’s abilities at every age and stage.  Become informed about child development in general and your child’s unique developmental trajectory specifically.  Information allows you to develop realistic expectations for your child and yourself.  Be sure that every adult who spends significant amounts of time with your child is equipped with this information.

Avoid measuring your child according to arbitrary social expectations and instead encourage them to achieve their potential.  Focus on what they can do rather than lament what they cannot do.  Kids who discover they can do something well, and get to participate in that activity regularly, develop the courage to face and seek new challenges.

Remember that pity is paralyzing.  Pity says things like, “Awwww, you can’t do that. Let me do it for you.”  Sympathy, on the other hand, is empowering.  Sympathy says, “I see that’s difficult for you.  Try it this way.”  Rather than assume defeat, encourage your child to redirect their efforts.  There are more ways than one to do just about anything.  For every one thing they are unable to do, discover and celebrate the four or five others they are.

Avoid labels.  Whether they are intended to be positive or negative, labels are exclusive.  They fail to allow for or motivate growth and change.  Any label can be limiting.  While every child has limitations, their capacity to accept and give love is virtually limitless.

What Every Child Needs

Both Tulips and Gladiolas require the basic elements of sunlight, water, and nutrients from the soil, but in different amounts.  The same is true of children, regardless of the absence or presence of physical, social, intellectual, biochemical, emotional, or sensory challenges.  All children have the same fundamental needs that must be met in varying proportions in order to survive and thrive.

Children need unconditional love.  Unconditional love is not the same thing as unconditional approval or unconditional permission.  Unconditional love says, “I will love you no matter what, but when you do things you are not supposed to do, I will have to stop you until you learn to stop yourself.”

Children spell love T-I-M-E.  Two things to remember: 1) The only place you are irreplaceable is at home, and 2) No one, on their deathbed, laments not having spent more time at the office.  Obviously children require food, clothing, and shelter, but most adults fail to understand that no amount of excess in providing for these basic needs can make up for the lack of fulfilling the previous two.

Every child needs communication…vocal, facial, and physical interaction with others; physical contact and comfort; sense of safety and security; affirming relationships based on trust; structure and predictability within reasonable limits; opportunities to explore their environment and interact with nature within reasonable limits; physical activity to whatever extent it is possible; exposure to and participation in the arts; skills and strategies for problem solving and managing feelings.

Every child experiences these needs in unique combinations that will change over time.  Parenting is not like grocery shopping where you merely check things off a list as you wander down the aisles taking what you need off the shelves.  Fulfilling your child’s needs challenges you to discover reserves of patience, wisdom, resilience, courage, and love that you never knew you had.  While, at times, you may long for the day when you are no longer needed, chances are you will always feel the need to be wanted.

Keep the Family System in Balance

Nothing that happens in a family happens in isolation.  Every experience and interaction has implications for the entire family system.  The intricate connections that exist between family members can perhaps best be illustrated by comparing a family to a mobile.  If you have ever observed a mobile, you may have noticed that all the connections make it impossible to touch one piece without moving all the others.  Some may teeter wildly while others barely quiver, but they all move.  The same is true of families.  What affects a person in one relationship will affect all of their other relationships.

No matter how evenly balanced a family is, anything that happens to one member causes reverberations throughout.  Pay attention to how each individual member responds to events as they unfold in your family.  By learning to identify the individual styles for managing challenges, you can better anticipate the impact of a given event and prepare yourself and others to face these challenges more effectively.

Find ways to involve everyone, in age appropriate ways, in the process and help them feel good about the contributions they are making to the family.  Learn to prioritize and accept that priorities are not static…they may have to change on a daily or even hourly basis.  The most important person becomes the one who needs you most right now.  Each family member needs to feel special, but accomplishing this may be as simple as a gentle touch, a wink and a smile, a thoughtful comment or expression of appreciation.  Genuine acknowledgment of the importance of another’s presence can go a long way.

Build a Support System

Parenting is an enormous responsibility and is made more manageable by involving other mature, responsible, caring, dependable, trustworthy adults in the process.  Include people in your support system whose presence alleviates stress rather than adds to (exacerbates) it.  You want people who respect your family boundaries and can effectively move in and out leaving the system intact.

Whether your child experiences physical, social, intellectual, emotional, biochemical, or sensory challenges, it is likely that you will be faced with involving professionals in your family life much earlier than other families.  This unique characteristic can make managing boundaries more of a challenge.  Learn to be your child’s advocate by practicing effective communication.  Become familiar with the resources and services that are available for your family.  When you do not know, have the courage to ask for help.

Populate your child’s world with people who look in their eyes and see, not what is missing or different, but who look deeply enough to see their soul and treat them as a whole, complete human being.

Conclusion

A special needs child is first and foremost…a child.  The most important people any child needs to be convinced view them as special are their parents.  Not because of anything they can or cannot do, but just because they are.  Focus your energy on fulfilling their need for you to believe they are special, not on convincing the rest of the world they are.